Dear Agony
by SilentQuill23
Summary: Dear Agony just let go of me, suffer slowly. Is this the way it's gotta be? Rated for emotional content. Tragedy/Angst/Romance


A/N: I was going to apologize for my last three (including this one) fics and their rather, er….depressing nature. But, when inspiration strikes, I go with it, and it feels good to have these words written and out of my head. So, I am going to rescind any possible apologies. This one was a little more difficult than the previous two because there was more to work with. I had a vision that did not want to be tied. But, that made it all the more exciting and gratifying to work on. So, here is another little songfic inspired by my favorite band: Breaking Benjamin and one of their new songs "Dear Agony".

Time. He'd had enough, they said he'd had long enough. It had been so long ago, she'd left so long ago. And she was never coming back.

_I have nothing left to give  
I have found the perfect end  
You were made to make it hurt  
Disappear into the dirt  
_

She was the only thing he was unable to forget those long months he spent lying next to her. Her face only, her smile only, her _pain_ only. He saw it with perfect, horrifying clarity every time his eyes slid closed.

"Go! Inuyasha, GO!" Her bow pulled taut and surged forward with accuracy that wasn't hers but that she wielded all the same. The arrow struck true. Light, blinding light shot from the hole in Naraku's skin and she would be swallowed by it.

"No!" Inuyasha ran towards the source of the light. The source of pain for so many.

"Stop!" He had mere moments to register what was happening. A small pink barrier surrounded the priestess he'd grown to trust, to love. Her horrified face, streak with crimson and sweat, turned to him the second he hit the light with a _crack_. "INUYASHA!" It was his name. He recognized it, but only distantly. He was focused wholly on pain like he'd never felt before. His body heaved up and down, convulsing in the cloud of energy still pouring from Naraku, every nerve in his body teasing apart. And then, it stopped.

_Carry me to heaven's arms  
Light the way and let me go  
Take the time to take my breath  
I will end where I began  
_

Her death was not peaceful but it was mercifully swift. She maintained a small moment of agonizing consciousness before passing. He'd held her close, freely spilling tears that pushed through the crimson on her face. Her last breath had met his ears carrying her whisper.

"Inuyasha, I love you."

His head thrown back, he howled. She'd spent her last breath to tell him she loved him when he was responsible for her death. He howled. He'd lost his faith in her when she needed it most. He howled. He'd never be able to tell her just how much _he_ loved _her_. He howled, and his howl was agony.

_And I will find the enemy whithin  
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin  
_

And so she was, where it all began, where it would end. The roots of the Goshinboku parted where her head lay. It was the only part of nature that had yet to try and claim her. The grass, a crude bed, cradled her in a way _he_ never could. He never would.

_Dear Agony  
Just let go of me  
Suffer slowly  
Is this the way it's got to be?  
Dear Agony  
_

Sometimes he'd let himself believe, let himself _dream_ that she merely lay sleeping. He would dream that she would wake and her eyes would search for him only to find him holding her from behind, his hand tangled in hers. Sometimes he'd let himself imagine what their family would have looked like, what _she_ would have looked like as _his_ family. Sometimes he let himself feel, and it was agony.

_Dear Agony  
Just let go of me  
Suffer slowly  
Is this the way it's got to be?  
Don't bury me  
_

They'd long ago given up hope he'd ever return. To his friends he was too far gone to wait on hope to tell them he would return. To the villagers he was a murderer. They'd said the wrong life had been taken. And to himself, he agreed with the latter. He would give anything, _anything_ to be the one spread lifeless below the empty boughs of the Goshinboku wrapped in stale tears that could no longer fall.

_Faceless enemy  
I'm so sorry  
Is this the way it's gotta be?  
Dear Agony  
_

He'd long ago stopped caring about living. He never really had cared. He was hollow. The kind of hollow that could not be filled. The kind of hollow that swallowed everything but the darkness it fed. The kind of hollow that reached and pulled and never slept. It never slept, and it was agony.

_Suddenly  
The lights go out  
Let forever  
Drag me down  
I will fight for one last breath  
I will fight until the end  
_

He spent many days watching her disappear. Each day it became harder. Each day, she lost a little more of the battle. Grasses grew around her, her body feeding them like some sick imitation of a mother and her child. Feeding the Earth at only her expense. A flower grew through her pocked hand, pushing it open, an artificial beckoning. Roots wrapped around her wrist holding her, mocking him. He would never hold her. He could never have her. She belonged to the Earth now.

_And I will find the enemy within  
Because I can feel it crawl beneath my skin  
_

Why? _WHY_!? Why wouldn't it have him, why would death not take him. The demon strength he'd longed for, the power he'd killed for, he cursed it. Each night, he'd close his eye, praying that death would finally have him, hold him. And each night he dreamed. Her eyes, still moist, her skin still warm, her blood, still flowing. And each morning he would wake to find it had all been a lie. A promise left to fall when the day broke. Each morning he would wake to find he was feeling the only thing he had left to feel. And it was agony.

_Dear Agony  
Just let go of me  
_

The nights were the worst. The comfort of the void had ceased the day she left. She had been light. Her presence had been what kept the darkness at bay, made it warm. And now she could no longer protect him, the dark surrounded him, crushed him like water pushed suddenly through shattered glass.

_Suffer slowly  
Is this the way it's got to be?  
Don't bury me  
Faceless enemy  
_

He'd never said it. He'd never said it because it wouldn't be enough. He knew _nothing_ could _ever_ be enough. So why shame himself, disgrace her by saying he was sorry. Why pretend that a word could make any difference. Because it wouldn't. He knew it wouldn't because he'd heard it so many times in his head as he lay watching her crumble. So many times he felt the words on his tongue, the sting of wanting on his lips. But it was just a word. Just a word.

_I'm so sorry  
Is this the way it's gotta be?  
Dear Agony_

And the snow came. And the rain. And the sun. But seasons could not touch her. Nothing could touch her but the wind that blew through her bones and the ground that welcomed her, holding her as a mother. Even he could not touch her. Too fragile she was. There was so little left of her. The air had stolen her for its own.

_Leave me alone  
God let me go  
I'm blue and cold  
Black sky will burn  
_

Could she see him? Did it disgust her? Did it pain her to watch him pine for her? Did she care? Did she regret her decision? Did she wish it were him who'd passed? Would she be there when he left existence he was held to? Would she hold him? Shun him? Love him?

_Love pull me down  
Hate lift me up  
Just turn around  
There's nothing left_

His mind knew they were still there. His mind heard their children playing, their friends laughing. His heart didn't care, couldn't know. Too clouded with grief, his heart felt nothing, knew nothing but the smile she would never smile again. Knew nothing but the laughter that should be hers, the life that she had lost.

_Somewhere far beyond this world  
I feel nothing anymore_

The years left no impact anymore. She was gone. Completely. She was taken. The wind. The rain. She had been stolen from him. But he did not move. Could not leave. He'd gone to long without moving, gone too long without nourishment. His fragile grip with reality slipped deeper with every day she didn't return. And she would not return. And it was agony.

_Dear Agony  
Just let go of me  
Suffer slowly  
Is this the way it's got to be?_

His skin, worn and thin, pulled apart, stretched so far it could no longer bear the burden it didn't want. So this was how a demon died. So this was how he would finally die.

_Don't bury me  
Faceless enemy  
I'm so sorry  
Is this the way it's gotta be?  
Dear Agony  
_

His blood fell out to meet her. A tenuous reach. A last effort to be with her, wherever she was.

_I feel nothing anymore_

And with his last breath, red and thick and liquid, he'd told her. He'd finally told her.

"Kagome, I love you." And as his thin lids fell, in his last second of life, he swore, he _swore_, he saw her face, smiling and bright, welcoming him to the darkness, the void he'd longed for for so long. But it was only just the wish of his broken mind and only an illusion that could not hold. And it was agony. It was agony.


End file.
